Woman sitting alone staring at a sea of sand dunes

Who are You on Your Own?

Defining who you truly are, not as it relates to someone else

You are NOT nobody until somebody loves you.  You are somebody all on your own, you just have to figure out who that person is.  It starts with shifting your thinking and focusing on yourself, then determining exactly who it is that you are.  Not who you are in a relationship, but who you are on your own, as an individual.  When you’re in a relationship it’s easy to lose sight of exactly who you are because you’re someone else’s someone.  You define yourself as part of a “we.”  It’s time to define who you really are, who you’d like to be and what kind of life you’d like to have, all on your own.  I start by asking my clients this question, “If God came down from Heaven and told you that he was really sorry but the whole happily-ever-after thing was just never going to happen for you, what would your plan be for the rest of your life instead?”  Now, the law of averages says that you’re probably going to end up with someone.  But it’s your duty in the meantime to be as happy as you can be, which will in turn insure that you end up with the right someone, should that mission arise and should you choose to accept it.  Living best life = attracting best mate.

Stop waiting, start living

So often we define ourselves as the person we’d like to be with the life we’d like to have once we’re in that perfect, life-long relationship.  How is it even possible to enjoy waiting for something to come along that makes your life better?  How do you even know when or if this thing is going to come along?  The waiting, the longing, the hoping, the doubt, none of this is fun.  So stop waiting!  You’re not waiting for anything.  You’re living the best, happiest, most fulfilling life you can within the circumstances that you have right now.  Know that if something comes along one day to change those circumstances, at least you didn’t waste your life waiting around for it.  You don’t want to ever say this to yourself, “While I was single I wish I would have…”  Because once you’re not single anymore, if that’s what you choose, there’s no going back.  Hopefully.  In fact, you don’t want to ever say, “I wish I would have…” at all, single or not, especially since you have no idea how long single may last.  So let’s get to figuring out who you are as an individual and creating that best life right now!

Your new mission, should you choose to accept it

What I’m trying to get at here is that you have two choices:  you can continue The Endless Search for Soulmate 1.0 or 2.0 or 9.0 or whatever version you happen to be on.  You can spend all of your time and energy continuing that search.  Or you can put that time and energy into living your best life.  When you’re single, like no other time your life, you can be anything you want to be.  I didn’t think I could have my own business until I found a man.  I knew that starting a business would cost money and that there wouldn’t likely be a lot of income at first.  I needed someone else to pay the bills while I did this.  And friends and family encouraged this belief.  I know that they were just trying to look out for my best interests, but it certainly didn’t help me have the confidence to do what I really wanted to do.  So I kept working jobs I hated that paid the bills well and resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t have my own business until I got married.  As time wore on and it looked like maybe I’d never get married, I decided it was now or never.  I saved up some money, left my job, and started my first business.  And while I never achieved huge financial success with that first business, I did what I really wanted to do, helped a lot of people, and was able to stay afloat for more than four years until helping single women revealed itself as my true calling.  Clearly, I didn’t think I would be able to accomplish my goal, but I did, and the best part is – I did it all on my own.

Commit to happiness, commit to yourself

We’re so willing to commit to another person, to the life we think that other person will bring to us and the happiness that we believe we’ll have.  We’ll even commit to someone we know is not right for us because we think it’ll all somehow magically work out in the end.  Committing to yourself is the only way to know that you’ll be truly happy because only you can make you happy. It’s entirely possible you don’t even know how to do this.  You’ve had this picture in your head for so long of what your perfect life looks like, complete with loving husband by your side, that you have no idea what a happy life would look like on your own.  It’s time to start creating that picture.  It doesn’t mean you have to completely abandon the other picture, just lay it face down on the nightstand and focus on the picture of you for a while.  You’re not giving up on ever finding a happy relationship, all you’re doing is committing to happiness no matter your relationship status.  You’re committing to happiness as a single person because a single person is who you are right now.  Give up The Endless Search and put all of that time and energy that you sink into wishing for your Prince Charming, into defining who you are and who you’d like to be instead.  If you need help doing this, here’s a free worksheet for you.

Let go of the past and focus on the future

Sometimes we get stuck in the past and it chains us to repeating patterns instead of freeing us to live our best lives.  You look at all your failed relationships and make it mean that there’s something wrong with you.  You look at all the ways you’ve disappointed family and friends by not being able to find someone to settle down with and you make it mean you’re a failure.  You cling tightly to your own belief that being in a relationship is how it’s “supposed” to be and what’s going to make you happy, and you make it mean that there’s no way you could just be happy on your own.  Rewrite your story to make it one that serves you.  Decide that you’re glad those relationships failed because it means they weren’t the right one for you.  Decide that it’s not your responsibility to please your family and friends by doing what they want you to do.  Give up the belief that you must be in a relationship in order to be happy and start creating a happy single life instead.  When you do this you’ll start to see the changes in your life, you’ll start to figure out who you really are and what you truly want out of life, and you’ll start living it and owning your happiness!

Figure out who you really are and what you want your life to look like.  Get your “Who Are You Really?” free worksheet that will help you get to the bottom of YOU!

Leslie Kaz, coach for single women

I help single women get from where they are to where they want to be by overcoming their sadness and starting to live their best lives through mindset and lifestyle changes. Contact me to learn how it’s possible to live a single, blissful life.

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