Figuring out what you really want outside of a relationship
Last week I talked about the importance of figuring out who you really are as a single woman and I gave you a worksheet to help walk you through that process. This week I’m going to talk about figuring out what you want out of life. When you’re in a relationship, in and out of relationships, or focused on finding a relationship, then you’re not focused on yourself and what you really want. Shifting your focus to yourself is what’s going to help you not only get everything you want, but define what “everything” is to begin with. So, the first step to making this work is to put the search for a mate on hold for a bit, the second step will be to accept and define yourself, and the last step will be to figure out exactly what it is that you want. Ready?
Step 1 – Put “The Endless Search” on hold
Yes, that’s right, you gotta stop dating for a while. Now, I know I’m going to get some resistance on this one because you’ve probably been searching for someone for so long that it’s something you feel compelled to do on a daily basis without even thinking about it, like eating or brushing your teeth. Make a commitment to yourself to give up The Endless Search for now. You’re not giving it up forever, just long enough to focus on YOU. When you finally make the decision to give up The Endless Search there’s a certain relief that flows over you. Of course there’s fear, too, because any time we make a change in our lives, especially a big mental shift, there’s going to be fear. When you tell that fear to suck it and choose to put The Endless Search on hold, you will be amazed at the relief you feel once you get past the fear. And you will get past the fear. Your brain will adjust to this change just like it’s adjusted to every other change you’ve ever made in your life.
The amazing relief comes when you realize that you no longer have to be bothered with any of the anxieties that come along with The Endless Search. When you give up The Endless Search, you get to be you. Just you. You get to focus all the time and energy you previously focused on finding Mr. Right onto yourself instead and living your best life. Just think about the productivity you’re going to create in your own life when you have all of this time and mental energy to devote to it. So, are you ready to give up The Endless Search for a little while? If the answer is no, I gotta keep searching, gotta keep at it, can’t let go of finding someone, let me ask you this: Are you willing to keep searching and searching and making yourself and your life miserable, when you could be doing something to make yourself happy? If not, it’s time to let it go. We spend so much time defining ourselves as who we are in a relationship, even if that relationship exists only in our heads. It’s time for you to Own Your Alone and live your best life. Right now. As a single woman. So, what does that look like?
Step 2 – Accept and rewrite
The second step in figuring out how to live happily ever after with yourself, is to accept yourself as you are right now, which includes accepting that you’re single. This is how you are right now. There’s nothing wrong with it. You’re perfectly okay. Now, this doesn’t mean that you won’t have things about yourself that you want to change, but it means that by accepting yourself you also accept that you alone have the power to change yourself and your life for the better. Once you change your thoughts about being single and accept this fact, you’ll start to think about life differently. You’ll start to view things in a different way and you’ll do different things that will change your life for the better. You’ll then be able to craft the life you want, with the career, home, people and activities you want in it. If all of this sounds about as easy as scaling Mount Everest, never fear. I’m going to show you exactly how to do all of this next week!
The important part is that you accept yourself for the kick-ass woman that you are, and you accept your singleness for the amazing opportunity that it is! We all have stories that we’ve written for ourselves that tell us who we are. You can make your story mean anything you want it to mean. When you accept that everything that has happened in your life up until now has happened the way it was supposed to and has made you the person that you are today, then you can make your story mean about you something that serves you well. If you’ve had lots of heartache and rejection in your life, tell yourself that it’s made you a stronger person. It has! All of the amazing things that you make your story mean about you make you who you are and determine how you feel about yourself. Once you’ve accepted yourself for who you are right here and now, accepted your singleness, and accepted that your story can mean anything you want it to mean, you’ll then be able to determine what you want out of life.
Step 3 – Figure out what it is that you really want
Defining who you are as an individual outside of a relationship can be difficult. It means focusing entirely on yourself and not on who you are in relation to someone else. That’s scary for a lot of people. At the same time, it’s also completely liberating and empowering. Because not only do you get to define who you are right now, you also get to plot a course for who you want to be going forward. You get to become the person you want to be for YOU, not for someone else. You get to create “Your Life 2.0,” with no waiting for someone else to come along. We all know that being in a relationship can be great, but it can also be not great. And we know that being alone can be not great, but it can also be really, really great. When you’re on your own you’re 100% in control of that greatness.
It’s easy to feel a little lost at first when beginning this journey. You’ve been biding your time, possibly for years, going through the motions until Perfect Man 9.0 came along to save you from your pathetic existence. What now? What do “who you are” and “what you want your life to be” really mean? You’re going to focus 100% on yourself and creating your best life, the life YOU truly want. Figuring out where you want to be is much easier when you know where you are right now. This means looking at all of the different aspects of your life, such as career, home, health & fitness, friends & family (including pets), personal development, recreation and community (including faith). Your list may include other things, as well. I’ve created a checklist for you so that you can determine where you’re at right now because next week we’re going to talk about making a plan for where you’d like to be instead. When you’re single you can craft your life however you want it. You can create the exact life you want because no one’s standing in your way. How powerful is that?
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