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There’s Nothing Wrong with Being Single

And there’s nothing wrong with YOU, either!

Today I wanted to share with you an excerpt from my book, “Single Girl Bliss:  How to Stop Feeling Alone and Start Feeling Alive.”  The book is all about how to be happy single.  The excerpt is from the second chapter, which is entitled, “Awful, Untrue, Limiting Thought #1 – There’s Something Wrong With Me.”  Please enjoy reading this little snippet of my book.  You can get the whole book on Amazon by going to https://lesliekaz.com/book.  It would make a great holiday gift for a single-girl friend, as well!

The excerpt

If you’re thinking that there’s something wrong with you because you’re STILL single and can’t seem to find someone, how does that make you feel about yourself?  Well, it probably makes you feel inadequate, weird and different from everyone else.  Unattractive, stupid, boring, too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, perpetually having spinach in your teeth, the list goes on and on.

There probably actually is something wrong with you, but define “wrong.”  There’s something wrong with your happily married neighbor, too, and SHE found someone.  The truth is, there’s something “wrong” with all of us!  And believing that there’s something wrong with you is not the reason you’re single.  It could be the reason you’re not happy, however.  It could be creating negative feelings within yourself that not only led you to date the wrong people in the past or not put yourself out there to begin with, but are also keeping you from having the happiest life you could possibly have right now.

One of the most difficult things we all have to deal with in life is rejection.  We’ve all been rejected by someone at some point in our lives.  Romantic rejection seems to top the charts, though, when it comes to bringing about feelings that there’s something wrong with us.  For example, if you read the introduction then you know that I didn’t date in high school.  And it wasn’t for lack of wanting on my part.  I wanted nothing more than to be picked up by some boy in his dad’s car, taken to a movie and dinner at Chili’s, and then awkwardly kissed and groped before being deposited back at home by curfew.  The boys just weren’t interested in me.  What was wrong with me?  I was outgoing, smart, funny, energetic, had a lot of friends, and was involved in things like sports and student council projects.  I was also 5’9” tall, with a sturdy, Eastern-European frame and about 15-20 extra pounds, which in high school might as well be 1,000 extra pounds.  And while not unattractive, my face probably wasn’t going to win any pageants.  In other words, I wasn’t the cute, little girl that every guy wanted to date.  But did that mean there was something wrong with me?

Well, I guess I could’ve laid off the McDonald’s, but otherwise no, there was nothing wrong with me.  Is there something wrong with being tall?  Is there something wrong with not having a body that looks like it’s going to crumble under the weight of your backpack?  Is there something wrong with not having a model-perfect face?  There wasn’t anything wrong with me, there was only what was wrong with my perception of myself (my thoughts) and how my feelings surrounding those thoughts made me interact with those around me.  Did I put myself out there like I actually wanted to date?  Or did I make buddies out of all the guys so that I wasn’t setting myself up for rejection?  I don’t think those poor, adolescent-insecure boys ever even saw me as a dating possibility because I never really saw myself as one, either.  Oh, there were probably a few with secret crushes, but they were too insecure to ever act upon them.  Hence, I entered the adult dating world thinking that there was something wrong with me and I’m quite certain I carried that thought all the way through my dating life.

The reason I struggled so much with being single was that I didn’t have the confidence for it.  Single was something that I just was most of the time, by default, but I couldn’t be it.  Because I believed that if someone was interested in me or wanted to be with me then there wasn’t anything wrong with me after all and I was okay.  Consequently, if there didn’t happen to be anyone interested in me or wanting to be with me at any given time then there was something wrong with me.  Imagine going through most of your adult life thinking that there was something wrong with you and hard-core jonesing for the only thing that would make you okay – a relationship.  Or maybe this is/was you?  The only thing worse was when someone had me and then decided that they could most definitely live without me.  It didn’t even occur to me until six months after being unceremoniously kicked to the curb that there was actually something wrong with them and the only thing wrong with me was my choice in men.

The most detrimental thing about thinking that there’s something wrong with you because you’re single, other than being completely untrue, is that it causes you to have negative feelings about yourself that then cause you to act in ways that don’t get you what you want.  In order to get what you want in life (happiness, fulfillment, ass-kickery), you have to believe that you’re worthy of it, first and foremost.  For example, if you think that you must be unlovable since you’re still single, then not only do you think you’re unlovable to men, but you probably also think you’re unlovable to your friends, your family, the lady who does your toes, the checker at the grocery store, the whole damn world!  If this is true then you feel unworthy as a human being.  And if you feel unworthy as a human being, is the Universe there to help and support you?  Do you celebrate your singleness in all its glory?  Do you run out there and try new things and meet new people and have a blast while doing it all?  No, you probably sit at home watching Netflix with the cats.  (Side note – there’s actually nothing wrong with sitting at home watching Netflix with the cats.  Trust me here.)  But these feelings of unworthiness caused by the thought that you’re unlovable have caused you to live a lesser life than you know you want and are capable of.

So, how do we single girls stop believing that there’s something wrong with us, wondering when it’s going to be our turn, and get happy and live our most blissful lives possible?  Drumroll please… Just stop.  Stop thinking that.  There’s nothing wrong with you just because you’re on your own.  The only thing wrong with you is that you think there is something wrong with you and you dwell on it all the time.  I know some incredibly fabulous women who are STILL single and there’s nothing inherently wrong with them.  In fact, maybe there’s something really right with you, did you ever think of that?  Maybe there’s something really right with dodging the bullets from all those failed relationships.  Maybe there’s something really right with not picking up the dirty socks off the floor while your partner swills beer on the couch in his underwear.  Maybe there’s something really right about not getting a Dutch oven in bed first thing in the morning.  Google it.  Maybe there’s something really right with not having the relationship your best friend has.  I mean, is it really all that great?  I bet she gets Dutch ovens on a regular basis.

How did you like it?

I’d love to answer your questions and hear your comments.  You can email me at leslie@lesliekaz.com.  And if you liked what you read, please keep reading by getting the whole book on Amazon via https://lesliekaz.com/book.

Leslie Kaz, coach for single women

I help single women get from where they are to where they want to be by overcoming their sadness and starting to live their best lives through mindset and lifestyle changes. Contact me to learn how it’s possible to live a single, blissful life.

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