Start Thriving on Your Own with Confidence

How to go from struggling with single life to loving it.

So many people think that if they shift their focus off of dating and onto living happily as a single person, then they’re going to miss out on finding “the one.” Their focus will be on being single so that’s where they’re going to stay. Maybe you’re even one of these people? But the focus isn’t on being single, it’s on being happy in your life. Single is just what you happen to be right now. Really, the focus is on love. Love of self, love of friends, of family. So, if the focus is on love and happiness, what’s that going to bring into your life? Love and happiness! Whether it’s within the circumstance of you being single or in the future of being with someone else. So, why aren’t you happy now in your single life and what in the world do you have to do to get there? What if I were to tell you that I have the magic formula. Okay, it’s not exactly magic, but when you master it you’ll feel like it is. It’s a combination of taking a good, hard look at what drives your behavior, making some small changes to set yourself up for success, and realizing that what it all really boils down to is confidence. Yes, like with a lot of things in life, confidence is the key here, and I’m going to show you a surefire way to boost your confidence around being single that will make you wonder why in the heck you waited so long.

Shame spiral schmame spiral (try saying that 5 times fast)

Where did you ever get the idea that being single was something to be ashamed of? Something to be feared, resented, despised, or at the very least something you’re stuck settling for, not choosing? I’ll tell you where – EVERYWHERE! All throughout our culture, single is seen as something temporary. It’s something that’s okay for a while, but you better be doing everything in your power to change it. And if you’re single for too long then there must be something wrong with you or something that you’re doing wrong. After all, everyone else is married or coupled-up. You don’t even think to wonder where this line of thinking comes from, you just adopt it as your own and suffer within it. Well, it comes from a long line of thinking that dates back to prehistoric times and is so ingrained in our way of life that it has become belief for us. A belief is just a thought that has been repeated over and over until you no longer question it. It just is. As you were growing up, I’m sure your parents, other family, friends, teachers, TV shows, movies, books, social media, etc, etc, etc, made reference to the “someday” when you’d be married. It’s been swirling around your head since birth that you’re supposed to grow up and get married. If you don’t, even through no fault of your own, you’re going against something major here. You’re going against the very core of your own belief system. Why is it your own belief system? Because it’s a thought you’ve had over and over since birth that’s been supported by everyone you know and society as whole, and it’s not something you can easily shake. But you CAN shake it!

Change your thoughts, change your life

While changing a belief doesn’t happen overnight, the process to do it is actually pretty simple. Remember that beliefs are just thoughts that you’ve thought over and over again. What you need to do is take every negative, limiting belief you have about being single and change it to a positive one. How? There’s a simple framework you can put each thought into and then reverse-engineer that thought to come up with a better one that serves you. It goes:

Thought/Belief–>Emotion–>Action–>Outcome (your life!)

Your thoughts (beliefs) trigger emotions. Those emotions cause you to take action, and those actions result in outcomes. For example, you’re driving down the street and the traffic light turns red. You have the thought, “I need to stop.” That thought creates the emotion fear (healthy and very mild) that you need to brake or you could be in a bad way. The emotion drives you to take the action of pressing your foot on the brake, and the outcome is your car stopping and not t-boning someone in the intersection. In order to change your limiting beliefs (thoughts) about being single, you put those thoughts into this framework by identifying the thought, emotion, action and outcome, and then you simply go backward. You start by identifying the outcome you’d like to have instead, then determine the action you’d have to take to get that outcome, then determine how you’d have to feel in order to take that action (what emotion you’d have to experience), then identify what thought you’d have to think to create that emotion. You can reverse-engineer any thought. It’s as simple as that. Then you just have the task of replacing your existing thoughts with your new ones and committing them to memory.

Drumroll, please!

Now that you know how to change your thinking, you have the key to unlocking the confidence that’s been lacking and holding you back from your happiest single life. Confidence is all in the mind. It’s all in your thinking. Which may sound daunting, but it’s actually a total relief! It means you have control over it. It means you can change it. It means you can build it even if you feel like you don’t have much right now. When you use the process of reverse-engineering your limiting beliefs about being single through the process identified above, and you repeat your new confidence-building thoughts over and over, those thoughts will become beliefs for you and your confidence will go through the roof! Soon you’ll be making decisions for your life like a pro, trying new things that you never imagined doing, taking risks that you didn’t believe possible, and living, really living, your happiest, best life as a single person. It’s the confidence that’s going to make this possible. It’s the confidence that’s going to take you from struggling to thriving as a single person in this coupled-up world.

Have you ever seen someone walk into a room, head held high, shoulders back, chest out, hips swinging like they’re about to take over the world? That’s confidence. And that, my friend, will be you when you start committing your new belief system to memory. You can now see where those limiting beliefs come from in the first place and why they don’t serve you. You also have a tool that will allow you to change them. So the next time someone asks you, “Why are you single,” you can give them a death stare and say, “Have you seen my life? It’s amazing! And that’s right, I created it on my own!”

Leslie Kaz, coach for single women

I help single women get from where they are to where they want to be by overcoming their sadness and starting to live their best lives through mindset and lifestyle changes. Contact me to learn how it’s possible to live a single, blissful life.

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