How one woman went from HAVING to have a man to thriving on her own.
When Jessica came to me for coaching she was 41 and described herself as a “serial dater” in her teens, 20’s and early 30’s. She was one of those women who HAD TO have a boyfriend. She started dating at 15 and never looked back. She dreamed about finding the perfect guy, having a whirlwind romance that led to a fairytale wedding, and settling down and maybe starting a family. But as she passed 35 and was still single, Jessica wondered if her dreams were EVER going to come true.
Outgoing and attractive, Jessica didn’t have trouble finding men who were interested in dating her. The problem was that in an attempt to never be alone, she went out with anyone who wanted to be with her, regardless of who that person really was. She’d had the bad boys, the narcissists, the cheaters, and even a couple who were mildly abusive. She’d dated some good guys, too, but none of the relationships ever lasted long and she’d find herself jumping into the next one.
Fed up and scared for the future, Jessica sought out a therapist. Together they were able to uncover her insecurities surrounding being alone and why she wasn’t more choosey with the men she dated. Part of her therapy involved ending her current relationship, which wasn’t working, and spending three months completely alone, after which she was allowed to start dating again. But this time she had to choose her dates based on a list of criteria that she was actually looking for and she had to end the relationship if any red flags started popping up, regardless of whether or not she had someone else on the hook.
Jessica told me that those three months alone were endless for her. She was lonely and miserable, barely leaving the house to do anything social because she was ALONE, and couldn’t wait to start dating again. When the time came, she immediately got online and started the search. But something happened. Using her list of criteria, she wasn’t able to find anyone who fit the bill right away. In fact, it took several more months before she connected with someone she thought could actually fit into the future she had planned.
In the meantime, Jessica (with the help of her therapist) started to relax about being single. It wasn’t really that bad, after all, was it? She started to engage in some new activities, make some new friends, and do some of the things she never had time for when she was busy filling her life with random men. She started to take pleasure in doing things alone, which was something she never in a million years thought she was capable of.
That first relationship didn’t end up working out and neither did the next one, but Jessica admitted that those two relationships had way more potential than any of the ones she’d had in the past. And the more time that passed, the more Jessica became comfortable just being herself. She finally decided to get off the dating apps altogether and, as she puts it, “let nature take its course.” Her new stance is that if someone comes along, great, but if not then she’s just going to live her life.
Through my coaching sessions with her, Jessica has defined what she truly wants out of life and has plans in place to get it. Last month she took her first solo trip, to ITALY, and she says she’s never been happier. “I just had to figure out who I was, on my own, and focus inward on that person instead of outward on someone else. I’m not going to say it wasn’t a struggle, but eventually everything else fell into place.”
I help single women get from where they are to where they want to be by overcoming their sadness and starting to live their best lives through mindset and lifestyle changes. Contact me to learn how it’s possible to live a single, blissful life.
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