woman walking down deserted country road looking dejected

Single Does Not Equal Defective

Just because you’re single doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

So, another one of your relationships has ended, you’re single AGAIN, and now you’re feeling like there MUST be something wrong with you.  You haven’t been able to make a relationship work and the common denominator in all of your relationships is you.  Either there’s something unlovable about you or there’s something wrong with your boyfriend “picker” or there’s something wrong with the way you exist in a relationship that makes the whole thing inevitably come crashing down. If you’re thinking that there’s something wrong with you because you’re STILL single and can’t seem to find someone, how does that make you feel about yourself?  Well, it probably makes you feel inadequate, weird and different from everyone else.  Unattractive, stupid, boring, too picky, too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, perpetually having spinach in your teeth, the list goes on and on.  There are three main reasons that we women need to find something wrong with ourselves in the aftermath of yet another breakup.

Self-deprecation, anyone?

First of all, women love to be self-deprecating.  I don’t know if this is something that’s naturally within us and formed while we were in the womb, but it’s much more likely that we’re brought up this way by both our families and society.  We women are trained to always think that there’s something wrong with us and that we need to fix it quickly.  Women are supposed to be perfect – we’re supposed to look perfect, act perfect, keep a perfect house, be the perfect cook, take care of everyone else perfectly and, of course, have the perfect relationship.  If your relationship goes wrong then it must be your fault because you’re the woman and women are supposed to be the ones who are good at relationships.  It’s your responsibility to do everything you can to make the relationship work because you’re a woman and that’s what you do.  Therefore, it comes naturally to you to beat yourself up when a relationship goes awry.

Self-worth?  What’s that?

Women are also taught to place at least a portion of our self-worth on whether or not we’ve been able to land a mate.  So, when a relationship ends, even if you were the one to end it, you’ve failed.  You’ve failed to get someone to love you enough to become the person you needed him to be.  Or you’ve failed to hang onto him and he’s left you, which can be even more damaging to your self-worth.  If you can land a mate and make the relationship work then you’re okay, if you can’t then you’re not.  Believing that there’s something wrong with you because you’re not in a relationship creates negative feelings within you that keep you from feeling worthy on your own and having the happiest life you could possibly have, regardless of relationship status.  Click here for a free download on ways to start living your best life right now. Placing your self-worth on something external to you (landing a mate) leads to a lifetime of insecurity.  This is because you believe that if someone is interested in you or wants to be with you then there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re okay.  Consequently, if there doesn’t happen to be anyone interested in you or wanting to be with you at any given time, or someone actually has you and then lets you go, then there really is something wrong with you.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it

The final reason women seem to need to find something wrong with ourselves after a breakup is because if you can figure out just exactly what’s wrong with you then there’s a good chance you can fix it.  If you can fix it, then someone worthy will actually want you and the next relationship you get into will work out just fine.  And remember, having a successful relationship is part of your self-worth.  That’s why it’s so important to figure out what’s wrong with you.  So, you go through all of the self-deprecation exercises to try to pinpoint exactly what it is, but do you ever really figure it out?  Of course not!  You might think you have it figured out, like, next time I need to be more supportive or if I just lost 20 lbs I’d feel better about myself and attract a better guy.  But really, there’s nothing wrong with you.  That said, if you have things about yourself that you wish were different there’s nothing wrong with working on those things, but they should be for you and not for a perceived someone else.  The truth is that just because your relationships haven’t worked out doesn’t mean it’s because of something that you’ve done or not done, said or not said, are or aren’t.  “Fixing yourself” isn’t going to lead you to happily-ever-after with someone else.

What does it all mean?

Why, then, do we feel such an overwhelming desire to figure out what’s wrong with us and fix it, all in the name of finding a better relationship next time?  It’s partly because of the self-worth attachment that I’ve already discussed, but it’s also the desire to remain engaged in what I call “The Endless Search.”  If you’re constantly searching for someone then you’re constantly making the effort to remedy your situation.  That situation is being single, of course, and if you’re not constantly trying to do something to change that situation then you’ve given up.  You’ve admitted defeat.  You’ve accepted being alone and all of the poor self-worth that goes along with it.  If you remain in The Endless Search, however, then you’re doing everything you can, and if you still don’t find someone then it’s through no fault of your own.  So, you’ve gotta fix what’s wrong with you so that you can keep searching and have better results next time.

Isn’t there an alternative?

Your alternative to The Endless Search is to stop searching and put that energy into creating an amazing life for yourself instead.  You are not required to be constantly searching for a mate just because your family, friends and society tell you that you are.  Decide that there’s nothing wrong with you just because you’re single.  Decide that your self-worth is not reliant on you being in a relationship.  Decide that there’s nothing you need to fix about yourself because you’re no longer trying to land the perfect mate.  You can still work on things about yourself that you’re not completely happy with, but you’ll be doing that in order to please yourself, not someone else.  If you accept yourself the way you are and detach from the need to be in a relationship then you’ll stop feeling like there’s something wrong with you and start realizing your power to create your happiest, best life.  Believe that you’re worthy of it.  Celebrate your singleness in all its glory.  Run out there and try new things and meet new people and have a blast while doing it all.  Don’t live a lesser life than you know you want and are capable of by remaining embroiled in The Endless Search.  Live your best life, for yourself, and be the best you you can be.  Who knows, you may just find a great relationship along the way.  And if you don’t, you’ll know that it’s not because there’s something wrong with you.

If you need help getting started creating your happiest, best life on your own, get your 10 Ways to Start Living Your Best Life Right Now free download.

Leslie Kaz, coach for single women

I help single women get from where they are to where they want to be by overcoming their sadness and starting to live their best lives through mindset and lifestyle changes. Contact me to learn how it’s possible to live a single, blissful life.

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