I'm-scared-i'll-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-alone

I’m Scared I’ll Spend the Rest of my Life Alone

How to Stop Fearing Singlehood

If you’ve ever uttered this phrase aloud or said it to yourself in your head, this for you!  I was there once, too, my friend, in the worst way possible.  Not only did I think this thought on an almost daily basis, but I let it dictate my actions.  Most of the time I could get through my days without the gripping fear of spending the rest of my life alone, but there were times when this thought would overtake me and I would be almost literally incapacitated with fear.  The worst part about it, I think, is that there’s almost nothing you can do about it.  Sure, you can do your best to meet people, date, and try to find “the one,” but you can’t MAKE someone love you.  You can’t even make someone notice you, ask you out, like you, or call you again.  You have virtually no control over when, or if, it’s going to happen and yet you’re stuck with the fear and indecision that it leaves you with.  WTF is up with that?

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” Franklin D Roosevelt

You’ve heard this quote before, maybe even from me, but what in the world does it really mean?  It means that the thing you fear (being alone) isn’t nearly as bad as the feeling of fear that you’re experiencing.  And that feeling of fear is brought about by your own negative thoughts about being alone.  So, if thinking negatively about being alone is what’s causing you to feel fear, and that feeling of fear is worse even than the actual circumstance of being alone, doesn’t it stand to reason that if you change your negative thinking about being alone, you’ll erase the feeling of fear (or at least lessen it), and maybe actually be able to enjoy being on your own?  If you read that sentence two or three times and you’re still going, “Huh?” let me put it to you a different way.  Aren’t there way more things in life to be afraid of than spending it alone?  Terminal illnesses?  Devastating natural disasters?  Taxes?  All of these things are way more scary than being alone.  Plus, you’ve survived this long being alone and I have to assume it hasn’t been THAT bad, so it stands to reason that the worst thing in the world would not be spending the rest of it alone, too.

Can you ever truly be alone?

Physically, yes.  If you’re sitting in your house all by yourself then you’re alone.  But what about mentally and emotionally?  Can you not pick up your cell phone and quickly be in a conversation with your mom about the weather?  Can you not get on Facebook and find out what several people you don’t know commented on someone else you don’t know’s post?  Can you not text any number of people to find out what they thought about someone you don’t know’s Facebook post?  Of course you can do all of these things and you can literally spend hours doing them, feeling connected and not lonely, if not a bit ridiculous.  My point is that we tend to define “alone” as not being in a romantic relationship and by that definition maybe you are alone, but think about all the other relationships you have in your life.  Family, friends, pets, coworkers, neighbors, the ladies on your volleyball team.  Etc, etc, etc.  You are NOT alone.  Ever!  Don’t buy into the societal notion that if you don’t have a romantic partner you’re alone, and that this is something to be pitied and feared.  Remember, nothing is more lonely than being in a bad relationship.

The best friend you can have is yourself

The best way to combat loneliness is to make friends with yourself.  When you enjoy your own company and you love who you are, then you enjoy spending time with yourself, as well.  One of the biggest turning points on my journey to Single Girl Bliss was learning to love, honor and cherish MYSELF!  I hadn’t been doing that and when I started a whole new world opened up to me.  How did I do it?  Well, first of all, you have to accept yourself.  Accept that you’re not perfect.  Accept that you have areas in your life that you’d like to work on.  Accept that so does everyone else and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.  You’re a unique individual, learn to embrace that.  Basically, you have to accept yourself the way you’d accept a partner.  No one you’ve ever met or are going to meet is perfect, either, and you accept that about them so accept it about yourself, too.  Next, start treating yourself well.  When you take care of someone, it makes you love and cherish that person all the more.  In this case, that person is you.  Make the choices for yourself that you would make for a cherished loved one.  Cuz you are a cherished loved one!  Finally, tell yourself how great you are every day.  You’d want a partner to do this for you, right, so do it for yourself.  And believe you!  The more you do this, the farther in love with yourself you’ll fall.  This doesn’t mean become an arrogant narcissist, it just means recognize that you’re a wonderful person and that you deserved to be loved – by the people in your life and by yourself!

Realize all the good things about being alone

When I was miserably searching for someone outside of myself to love, I was so focused on finding someone and on the prospect of being part of a couple that I didn’t stop to smell the roses.  What I mean is that I was so outwardly focused that I didn’t even realize all of the great things about my current situation of being single.  People in relationships would even point these things out to me and I just couldn’t see them.  When I started focusing on and loving myself, all of those things came to light and I realized what I’d been missing all those years.  Take the time to recognize all the good in your life.  I think you’ll find there’s a lot and it will most definitely make you happier.

The recipe for embracing singlehood

You take three parts positive thinking, one part good relationships with others, two parts self-acceptance, one part treating yourself well, add a dash of daily positive affirmations, and fold in all the good things about being single. Throw it all in a blender and whirl until you have a whole new outlook on your life.  Once you have all this positive thinking in place and you’ve blasted your fear of being alone, you can focus on your life and where you’d like it to be.  You can start creating the life you want that will make you happy.  In short, when you get your mind right, you’ll be able to start creating your happiest, best life right now, no mate required.  Now, doesn’t that sound way better than waking up at 3:00 in the morning in a cold sweat because you might spend the rest of your life “alone?”

Leslie Kaz, coach for single women

I help single women get from where they are to where they want to be by overcoming their sadness and starting to live their best lives through mindset and lifestyle changes. Contact me to learn how it’s possible to live a single, blissful life.

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