Woman alone staring into the Grand Canyon

“I’m Alone,” is Just a State of Mind

Change your mindset to change your life

There’s been a lot of “alone talk” recently due to the shutdown and social distancing.  People are taking pity on those of us who are single and especially living alone, thinking that we’re all sitting home hugging our knees and crying.  Most of us, I’ve come to find, are doing just the opposite.  It seems that single people have actually been thriving during the shutdown.  Huh, and I thought it was just me.  Why is it that single people are thriving when the whole world is looking at us and wondering if we’re going to be able to hold up through all of this?  Well, I think it comes down to your mindset.  You either believe that you’re truly alone or you don’t.  There was a time in my life when the shutdown would’ve been crippling for me.  I would’ve been bored, lonely, and downright depressed.  What changed?  How did I get through this shutdown so successfully?  I believe it stems from the mindset shift I made several years ago that you can make, too.  Here’s what happened…

First, some background info

After 4 years of a young marriage that was doomed from the start and then 21 years of the roller coaster of dating, relationships, breakups, togetherness, loneliness, ups, downs, elation and devastation, I finally found my bliss on my own.  And now I want to share what I’ve learned with every single girl out there who’s ever laid in bed at night trying to fall asleep and thinking, “I’m alone.”

The transformation

After disastrous breakup number 238, I decided that the next relationship I got into would be the be-all-end-all.  I was done playing games (after 21 years!) and the next person to walk into my life would be THE one!  Hearing me say this, a well-meaning coworker gave me a book called “Calling In The One,” by Katherine Woodward Thomas.  I read the introduction and was hooked!  Katherine was ME – similar age, similar relationship history, similar angst about it all.  I felt like the book had been written just for me and I was ready to dive into it whole-heartedly.  The premise of the book is that if you follow this 7-week, day-by-day plan (as the author did) of ridding yourself of the garbage in your head and readying yourself for “The One” to appear, appear he will!

So, I embarked on the 49-day plan with gusto, which included reading a short chapter each day and then doing an exercise.  Many of the exercises were very worthwhile, if not embarrassing.  On one of the days you had to call up your bff and tell her that by a specific date (a year from now!) you’d be married.  Well, I couldn’t do that, but I did call up my very patient bff and tell her that in one year’s time I would be with the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Yeah!  That would be great!

On another day you had to write down all of the negative thoughts you were getting rid of that were keeping you from being available to accept “The One” and then burn the piece of paper as a sacrifice to the relationship gods.  Okay, I embellished that description a bit, but that’s basically what it was, and I again enlisted Patient Bff to do this with me.  I’m sure she thought I was completely nuts, but that’s the great thing about a bff, they have to love you anyway.

Eventually I got to day 49 of the “Calling in The One” program and when I completed the exercise for that day I expected to feel different somehow, to have this renewed outlook on men, dating, relationships and “The One.”  But instead something entirely different happened.  Through completing this program I didn’t so much prepare for “The One” to arrive as much as I realized I hadn’t been treating myself well.  At all.  I was expecting men to love me and have respect for me, when I clearly didn’t love or respect myself.  So, I decided that I was going forgo dating for six months and start treating myself well instead.  Before those months were even up, something magical happened.  I became happy, blissfully happy, on my own.  I had been spending so much time searching for someone else, someone to “be with”, someone to make me not alone, that I forgot to recognize everything great about being single.  And believe me, there are A LOT of great things about being single!  I’ve now been a blissful single girl for 4 years and I have no plans to change that status.  So, in the end I was right.  When I called up Bff and told her that in a year’s time I would be with the person that I would spend the rest of my life with, I was right.  Turns out “The One” I was looking for was actually me.

The mindset shift

See, what I didn’t realize at the time was that I had shifted my mindset.  I had gone from thinking that my salvation resided in someone else and in order to claim it I had to find this someone else, to realizing that it was there inside of me all along.  I had to actually fall in love with myself in order to realize that I am all I need.  You can do this, too, and once you do you will never experience the emotions that go along with the words “I’m alone” ever again.  Why?  Because you’ll never think of yourself as alone ever again.  Okay, great, so how do you fall in love with yourself and set your mindset shift in motion?  First of all, you give up The Endless Search for a while.  You take yourself off the market so that you can focus on YOU, not them.  Then, you start treating yourself well.  You start taking care of yourself.  You start putting yourself and your needs first on your list.  You do all of the little things for yourself that you wish someone else would do for you.  You’ll be amazed at how quickly you fall in love with someone you’re tenderly caring for (YOU!), but it’s human nature to do this.  Finally, you start recognizing all of the wonderful things there are about being single, like not having to put up with in-laws or being able to decorate your house any way you want or getting to call all the shots.  When you really start to think about these things, you’ll find that there are A LOT and you’ll start to be grateful for them.

Then what?

You don’t have to give up on your dream of having a wonderful, loving, romantic relationship, but you do have to completely love yourself first before you’ll ever be able to call in the right person.  In the meantime, you’ll be living happily, treating yourself like a princess, counting your single-girl blessings, and making yourself ready for when and if “The One” shows up.  And who knows, you may just end up blissfully happy on your own like I did and realize that “I’m alone” doesn’t really exist!

Leslie Kaz, coach for single women

I help single women get from where they are to where they want to be by overcoming their sadness and starting to live their best lives through mindset and lifestyle changes. Contact me to learn how it’s possible to live a single, blissful life.

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