woman walking a winding road alone toward blue sky

Happy Single Journey

Setting your life on a new path

When you were a little girl, what did you think being a grownup would be like?  You were likely asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up,” over and over through the years, and each time you probably gave a different answer.  “Ballerina!”  “Fashion Designer!”  “Veterinarian!”  But I’ll bet the one thing you never said was, “Single!”  We’re not brought up to think that being single is desirable, especially for women.  We’re brought up to think that we’re going to find someone great and he’s going make our lives complete.  Or maybe even that he’s going to provide a life for us!  Most of the stories that were read to us and even the ones we eventually started reading ourselves supported what was being taught to us, so we didn’t question it.  Most of the grownups around us were probably married, too, or at least in relationships of some kind.  Parents, other adult family members, teachers, neighbors, even adults on TV and in the movies.  All married or coupled up, or at the very least desperately trying to become that way.  There was only one path, and that path was to find someone and get married or at least spend the rest of your lives committed to one another.  There was no such thing as the happy single journey.

What’s a girl to do?

I got married at a very young age and also got divorced at very young age, which is something that frequently happens to marriages of a very young age.  After that I set about finding “the one.”  I was doing other things at the time, too – working my way up the corporate ladder, having fun with my friends, saving up to buy a house and a better car – but none of it was as important as finding someone to marry.  I also thought that once I found “the one” all of those other things would cease to be as important.  I wouldn’t care about having a career so much because I had a husband.  We’d spend our time having fun with our couple-friends, and I wouldn’t have to worry about affording houses and cars because he’d be there to help with that.  Yep, my number one goal was finding a husband, and for twenty-one years I spent the majority of my time and energy trying to do just that.

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend who has also found happiness as a single woman and is similar in age to me.  We started talking about all the time we wasted trying to find someone.  Not just the time we spent on dating apps or going to events and trying to look available, but also the amount of time we spent just thinking about the whole search process and the amount of mental energy we put into it.  Let’s face it, even when you’re not physically on an app or at an event or on yet another first date, you’re thinking about it all.  You’re wondering or lamenting or strategizing.  You’re thinking about the new guy who just messaged you and wondering if he’s “the one.”  You’re fantasizing about the house you’ll buy and the kids you’ll have.  You’re doing anything BUT creating the life you want for yourself.  You’re on the “right” path, and hell, there is no other path, right?  Wrong!

A new path is uncovered

What I got out of that convo with that friend was that we both realized all the time and energy we could have spent getting out there and doing things.  Having new experiences, trying new things, meeting new people, setting goals for ourselves and achieving them.  We could’ve built these amazing lives for ourselves and instead we were focused on how many people swiped right on our profiles that day.  We could’ve taken a different path, we just didn’t realize it existed.  Now that I am where I am, looking back I realize that this path was buried in the woods.  It’s now that I’ve uncovered it that I’m having new experiences, trying new things, meeting new people, setting goals for myself and achieving them.  Not that I wasn’t doing any of this when I was younger, but always my number one goal was finding someone else, not myself.  My focus was on THAT path.  It’s discovering this other path and focusing your time and energy on it that’s going to take your life where you want it to go.  How?  Why?  Because that path leads to YOU!

Redirecting your energy toward this new path

When you redirect your energy into something else, it’s not that you necessarily give up wanting whatever was on your old path, you just stop needing it.  You realize that that path wasn’t serving you, but that your new one will, and if you’re meant to find “the one” along the way on the new path, you still will.  You don’t have to give up wanting that, you just have to take your focus off of it and onto your new path, which is you!  I’ll give you a real world example.  Have you ever stopped eating sugar for a while because you decided it was evil?  It was tough to abandon your sugar path at first because it was so sweet (sorry, couldn’t resist), but after a while on your sugar-free path you realized you no longer NEEDED sugar?  You didn’t stop wanting it from time to time, I mean, who doesn’t want dessert once in a while?  But it no longer had control over you and you could take it or leave it?  What an amazingly liberating experience to be free from the clutches of sugar!  The same rings true for being free of the clutches of The Endless Search.  Once you start down your new path of self-discovery, start figuring out who you are and what kind of life you want for yourself, and start creating that life, your old path will no longer have a hold over you.  Your old path is like a sugar addiction and once you’re free of it you’ll also have the freedom to choose exactly what you want in life.  And the time and energy to make it happen!

Happy single journey

The main point I’m trying to make here is that there IS another path.  Even if you didn’t grow up realizing this path was there, even if you didn’t realize it in your young adult years, it was there just waiting for you to uncover it.  If you haven’t uncovered it yet, what are you waiting for?  Don’t waste one more minute of your precious time on this earth walking down a path that’s getting you nowhere.  Find the path that leads to YOU and uncover your happiest, best life right now!

I’d love to answer your questions and hear your comments.  You can email me at leslie@lesliekaz.com.

Leslie Kaz, coach for single women

I help single women get from where they are to where they want to be by overcoming their sadness and starting to live their best lives through mindset and lifestyle changes. Contact me to learn how it’s possible to live a single, blissful life.

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