Don’t Find Yourself, Create Yourself

You’re in ultimate control of who you are and who you want to be!

If one of your challenges is living a happy single life and you feel like you’re failing miserably, I hear ya, sister!  I used to feel the exact same way.  Every year on New Year’s Eve I would make a resolution to get happy in the coming year.  Of course, back then I secretly felt that getting truly happy really meant “finding someone.”  Once I got past that notion, then it was on to “finding myself.”  But when I gave up the need to find someone in order to be happy, I didn’t so much find myself, as I started creating myself.  And my own happiness.  Wanna know how I did it?  Below is an excerpt from my book, “Single Girl Bliss:  How to Stop Feeling Alone and Start Feeling Alive.”  You can get the whole book here via Amazon.

The excerpt

I’m going to show you how to give up The Endless Search, define who you are, make a plan for your life and take action on that plan.  With my help you’re going to be able to create “Your Life 2.0.”  Woo-hoo!  The biggest question you need to ask yourself is, “IF I were to spend the rest of my life alone, what does that look like?”  Or maybe just the next five years or next ten years.  Who are you, not as someone who’s in a relationship, not as someone who’s embroiled in The Endless Search, but as someone with the ability and the opportunity to create an amazing life for yourself?

Step one in figuring out who you are, what you want, and how to live happily ever after with yourself, is to give up The Endless Search.  Yes, that’s right, you gotta take down those online dating profiles and cancel your “It’s Just Lunch” membership.  Now, I know I’m going to get some resistance on this one because you’re going to tell me that there’s no harm in just seeing what’s out there.  But remember what I said about what you focus on and what you put out there into the Universe being what comes back to you?  So, by continuing to cast your line into the pond just to see if something bites, are you focused on the party that’s taking shape on shore?  What you’re saying to the Universe by continuing to be “out there” even if you’re not actively pursuing anything is that you have a scarcity in your life that needs to be filled.  And that scarcity mindset is only going to attract more scarcity instead of providing you with the fulfillment that you truly desire.  Like attracts like, remember?

Some of you have been searching for someone for so long that you don’t even know how not to.  You don’t even recognize not doing this as an option for you.  It’s a habit, something you just do.  You’ve never even considered giving it up because it’s just a part of who you are.  You’re going to have to change this habit.  Are you even truly interested in finding someone anymore?  Do you even know what that someone looks like?  Or is it something that you just feel compelled to do on a daily basis without even thinking about it, like eating or brushing your teeth?  Make a commitment to yourself to give up The Endless Search.  You don’t have to give it up forever.  If at some point you decide that you want to get back into that game, you always can, it’s always going to be there.  I told myself I was going to give up The Endless Search for six months.  I figured that’s how long it would take me to take stock of my life, realize all of the great things about being single, and start treating myself well.  That was really all I wanted at that point.  I just wanted to be okay being single so that I would make much better relationship choices going forward.  Then six months turned into a year and after that I was living such a wonderful, fulfilled life on my own that I never went back to The Endless Search.

Just in case some of you are getting really scared that you’re going to have to give up on ever finding love in order to find happiness on your own, I want to reiterate that this is not the case.  While I am now living my happiest, best life ever and have completely given up The Endless Search never to be seen or heard from again, I still haven’t 100% closed the door on the possibility that one day a wonderful relationship could come along.  Anything can happen, right?  Is that scenario so far out of the realm of possibility?  Well, if you took a look at my 21-year dating life you might think so, but no, of course it’s not out of the realm of possibility.  I just don’t NEED it to happen anymore.  I’m living my best life right now and not only am I “okay being single,” I’m actually thriving as a single woman and the envy of many.

When you finally make the decision to give up The Endless Search there’s a certain relief that flows over you.  Of course there’s fear, too, because any time we make a change in our lives, especially a big mental shift, there’s going to be fear.  Fear is our brain trying to save us from the imminent disaster that could come from making any sort of change in our lives.  Remember, our brains don’t like change.  They want to keep us safe and alive, and how we’re living right now is doing that, so why in the world would it want to change?  Your brain wants you to continue The Endless Search because it’s comfortable, it’s what you’ve been doing for years and years, and it hasn’t killed you yet.  When you tell your brain to suck it and choose to give up The Endless Search or at least put it on hold, you will be amazed at the relief you feel once you get past the fear.  And you will get past the fear.  Your brain will adjust to this change just like it’s adjusted to every other change you’ve ever made in your life.

The amazing relief comes when you realize that you no longer have to be bothered with any of the anxieties that come along with The Endless Search.  No more wondering if your nose looks too big in your profile picture.  No more spending your precious time checking in twenty times daily to see if anyone’s swiped right.  No more making escape plans in anticipation of an overly awkward first date.  No more spending an hour on your hair with the hopes that just maybe you’ll meet someone while out for happy hour with the girls.  And no more holding uncomfortable poses that make your feet go numb so that your thigh fat won’t goosh over the edges of your bar stool.  When you give up The Endless Search, you get to be you.  Just you.  You get to focus all the thoughts you previously focused on finding Mr. Right onto yourself instead and living your best life.  Just think about the productivity you’re going to create in your own life when you have all of this time and mental energy to devote to it.  You go, single girl!

How did you like it?

I’d love to answer your questions and hear your comments.  You can email me at leslie@lesliekaz.com.  And if you liked what you read, please keep reading by getting the whole book here via Amazon.